On this Mother’s Day, I look back at the last four years and am in awe of how faithful and patient and loving God has been in carrying me through each year as He has taught me, molded me, and used me for His glory.

Four short years ago on Mother’s Day, we had just started trying to get pregnant, and my hopes were high that perhaps this would be the year that we celebrated the arrival of a new little person into our home to expand our family. I was so anxious and excited to experience motherhood with all of its joys, frustrations, excitements, and heartaches; those emotions that I would understand all too well by the following year.

Three years ago on Mother’s Day, I sat in agony in church, still mourning the loss of our first baby due to miscarriage, and begging God to help me understand what He was doing in my life. I looked around at other families and asked God why my arms were still empty. It was a tough day.

Two years ago on Mother’s Day, we had just found out we were expecting our third baby. The first two had ended in early miscarriages, but we were confident that the problem was fixed, and in eight short months we would finally have the joy of holding a sweet baby. I was so excited. And, indeed, that Mother’s Day was a precious gift from God because of all of the hope and joy and excitement I had for the future with this baby and the time we got to spend with her inside me. Unfortunately, just a few weeks later, we lost baby number three.

Last year on Mother’s Day, I again sat in church with empty arms and a hopeful heart. I was learning to trust the Lord in a way that I hadn’t understood before. Little did I know that I would be facing some of the hardest decisions and experiences of my life over the next twelve months. Little did I know that there would be times in the next twelve months where I would be clinging to the Lord and telling Him I couldn’t go on in this life He had given me. I never dreamed that God would take me through some of the hardest trials of my life, that I would lose five more children in the process, and that I would come out on the other end trusting Him in a way that I didn’t know was possible.

This year on Mother’s Day, I sit with a miracle growing inside of me. God answered our prayers in His own will and timing. I revel in every glorious day I get to spend with my baby growing and moving; I feel the tiny kicks and flutters and know this is another gift from God. There are still times of fear in the midst of the joy, but I know I can trust God because He has gotten me this far and won’t leave me or forsake me.

Looking back, I want to thank my own mother for making motherhood look so attractive and easy. She’s a huge part of the reason I have always so badly wanted to be a mother. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I do remember the occasional moment when, above the din of noisy children, farm equipment, books on tape, music, and questions about school work; my mother would say, “Can I just get a little quiet for a minute?!?” After I was married, and most of my siblings had moved out or were gone for large portions of the day, I thought of those noisy times and figured my mom was finally getting her peace and quiet. I mentioned this to her last week, and she smiled and nodded and said, “I hate the quiet. I love it when you guys come home.” She not only made motherhood look attractive and easy, she is honest and real about it. My mom is awesome!

I also want to thank my mother-in-law for raising the man of my dreams. From my perspective, it takes an awesome woman who walks with God to raise a strong-willed little sinner to be the amazing, caring, godly man that I married.

This Mother’s Day, I look back on the legacy I have and all that God has taught me in the last few years. Shortly after we found out we were expecting this time, I was talking to God. I told Him I could see how perfect the timing of this pregnancy was with Read graduating and me being able to stay home from work more with this baby. I told Him how excited I was and how ready we were and that I could see that His timing was perfect to give us a child now. Then I asked Him why He had taken us through so much to get to this point? If He wanted us to have our first baby now, why had He told us to start trying four years ago? Why did He have to give me a life-threatening disease and why did we have to lose so many little lives in the process? Why did it have to cost us so much time and money and grief to get to this point? Why couldn’t He have made me healthy and have just told us to wait until now to try to have a baby and let all the pieces fall together in perfect harmony without all the sorrow? And as I was in the midst of questioning my gracious heavenly Father, He quietly said, “It was all for my glory.”

“To God be the glory, great things He hath done; so loved He the world that He gave us His Son.”