The issue of our first Mother’s Day or first Father’s Day is something Read and I have struggled with since we lost our first child due to miscarriage almost five years ago. While we celebrated our first birthdays and holidays this year as what we call “active parents” since we finally have a baby to hold and celebrate with, these really weren’t our firsts because we became parents as soon as our first precious little girl was conceived.

Soon after that first loss, some friends who had also experienced miscarriage and loss came to our home to encourage and listen as we tried to navigate our feelings and understand how to deal with our emotions and loss. As that couple left our home later that evening, after listening and crying with us over our loss, the wife turned to me and said, “Congratulations. You’re a mother.” I was a mother and Read was a father, but we had nothing to show for it, and society does not recognize parenthood if you have never gotten to hold your baby.

It was so hard for me the first Mother’s Day after our first miscarriage because our pastor always asked everyone in the congregation to stand and give a round of applause while the mothers in church stayed seated. I didn’t know where I fit in in that scenario. Did I stand with everyone else and feel in my heart that I was being disloyal to my precious baby that I mourned daily? Did I sit and risk the chastisement of those who did not understand my heart or my grief? I ended up walking out the door on what was meant to be an occasion to honor the mothers around me, but had turned my already wounded heart into a broken mess.

On Read’s actual first Father’s Day five years ago, a well-intentioned, but hurtful comment about Read getting to be a dad one day from someone who knew we had lost a baby, sent Read to a corner of the church to gather his emotions as he mourned the baby he would never hold this side of heaven. He watched other dads in the church playing with their children, and rejoiced with them for their blessings, but his heart was heavy and he missed his child.

We have found ways of coping with society’s views of when you are actually allowed to celebrate as parents. Most of the time it’s best to be gracious and just say thank you for the well wishes. There are occasions, however, where I find it helpful to remind people of the reality that Read and I live in and that we consider the children we have lost to be just as significant as the one we hold every day. On one particularly hormonal day when I was pregnant with Austin, a well-meaning but ignorant individual asked me how many children we actually had. I stopped for a moment to think, considered the children we had lost, the baby I was carrying, and the embryos we had in storage. “Well”, I muttered, “we have eight in heaven, two in the freezer, and one in the oven.” Sometimes a dose of reality laced with a bit of humor can soften a sharp retort, while still getting the point across.

Please do not misunderstand me, this is not a chastisement to anyone who has wished either Read or myself a happy first Father’s Day or first Mother’s Day this year. It is our first year to be able to celebrate these holidays with Austin, and we are celebrating!! Because we knew the heart attitude and understood the intent behind the message, we have accepted the well wishes with gratitude and joy. This year is completely different for us to celebrate each special occasion and holiday with Austin in our arms. My heart goes out to all of the parents who are struggling with similar emotions due to the loss of their precious children. I feel for the couples who long to be parents, but have not yet been blessed with a baby. These are dreadfully hard holidays for them and painful reminders of what they have not yet been able to have or experience. The struggle is real, and it’s hard, and it hurts, and nothing can make things the same again once you have experienced infertility and loss.

And so, while this year is not our first Mother’s Day or Father’s Day as a mom or a dad, this is, indeed, a year to celebrate these amazing holidays in a whole new way with a great deal of joy as “active parents” to our little miracle.